Gender Bender
by optimus prime 007
Summary: A freak accident causes the consciousnesses of Optimus Prime and Elita One to switch bodies. Basically, Optimus gets stuck in Elita's femme body and Elita gets stuck in her mech's body. Let the mayhem begin! Be warned this is a totally cracked fic!
1. Chapter 1

This is what happens when there are no new fics or updates involving my favorite mech and his femme. So blame other writers or just blame my muse for this one! I swear I need to stop being bored at work! My mind comes up with the craziest slag sometimes.

For this fic we'll be using my favorite movie universe vehicle models with a little bit of the Transformers Energon technology involved…mainly the warp room.

Summary: April Fools! A freak accident (nothing to do with Wheeljack) causes the consciousnesses of Optimus Prime and Elita One to switch bodies. Optimus must deal with the issues of being in a femme's body. Elita must do the same in a mech's body. But there's a twist to this story as well…which is revealed in this chapter. Let the mayhem begin! Woohoo!

We'll start off with a T rating for now. Said rating may go up to M in later chapters. Oh yeah, one more thing! This is a totally cracked fic!

* * *

**Ratchet**

It had started off as a good day. Peaceful. Quiet. Even the twins, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe, were behaving themselves. Although, Prowl was ever watchful of them as he seemed to be the focus of their pranks this week. They've already caused his CPU to crash twice the three days. They wont be bothering me for some time as I made their maintenance check ups a living pit the other day. They're whiny and crying was almost music to my audio receptors as I flushed their tailpipes.

The only blemish of the morning was the shouting I heard coming from Optimus and Elita's quarters. Usually Elita did most of the yelling. It was a rare thing for Optimus to ever shout back at her during an argument. The mech loved her too much. But this morning they were both _**really**_ going at it.

I had noticed that Elita had been particularly moody the past few days. More so than usual for her. She just seemed to abruptly change moods in mid sentence. Yesterday poor Jazz got his audio receptors chewed out for no particular reason. When I inquired about her behavior with Optimus he just attributed it to her still trying to adjust to her new life on Earth.

He could have been right as she'd only been on Earth for about a month now. Many of us were still trying to adjust to our new home. It certainly wasn't anything like Cybertron. For if we were, I doubt the events that were about to unfold would have ever happened on our home world.

Somewhere I know Primus was laughing for said events had to be part of the biggest cosmic joke in the history of the universe!

_**Earth April 1**__**st**__** 2010 midmorning**_

"Has anyone seen Optimus?" Prowl asked, standing in the doorway of my medical bay.

"No I have not seen him," First Aid replied looking up from the work he was doing on Wheeljack's arm.

"He's probably just blowing off steam somewhere," I replied setting starting the diagnostic scan of Ironhide's weapon systems.

"Probably," my friend agreed. "He and Elita were arguing something fierce this morning. Ratchet and I thought we might have to intervene."

"Bumblebee said he saw Elita peel rubber towards the warp room with Optimus chasing after her," Bluestreak chimed in, from the med birth he was resting on after his latest car accident. "He only knew that because she nearly ran him over when he arrived back from his patrol."

"Thank you, Bluestreak," Prowl sighed.

Claxons suddenly sounded across the base followed by Ultra Magnus' voice over the PA system.

"_Optimus and Elita are under attack! Units one and two head to the warp room!_"

I quickly disconnected Ironhide from the diagnostic scanner. Then the two of us raced out of the med bay hot on Prowl's heels. Jazz had joined us on route completing our unit. Magnus, Bumblebee and the twins consisted of unit two were right behind us.

"Got anything Jazz?" Prowl asked.

"Just that they're in South Dakota."

"Why there? It's the middle of nowhere?" Ironhide asked.

"Elita was so slagging pissed off that I don't think she cared where she was warping too!" Bumblebee replied.

"Coordinates are already programmed in, lets just hurry and get there," Magnus ordered.

"Do we know how many 'Cons we're dealing with?" Prowl asked.

"I lost communication with them before I could find that out," Magnus answered.

"We'll deal with it, just keep them off Optimus and Elita so Ratchet can work on them if they're injured," Ironhide suggested as we ran into warp room."

"Agreed," Prowl nodded. "Let's do this."

"_Coordinates set, ready to launch when you guys are_," Jetfire's voice sounded over the warp room's intercom.

Prowl glanced at all of as waiting for us to each take up our positions.

"Launch us Jetfire!"

"_Right, activating the warp field…now._"

"I hate this part," I muttered as the room went dark. "I still always get a queasy feeling in my tanks."

"Just don't blow energon chunks on me like you did back on Lunar Vega," Ironhide seriously said making the twins and Bumblebee laugh.

"Focus men," Prowl ordered as the image of the location we were warping to appeared before us.

A moment let I felt the subtle pressure on my systems as the warp field extended around us. A slight tingling sensation traversed from head to foot. I could literally feel the pull on my tank a split astrosecond before we warped from the gate room to South Dakota.

The disorientation was brief. Not enough to slow any of us down. Prowl immediately tried to make radio contact as we went for cover.

"Odd, I'm not detecting any Decepticons in the area," Jazz frowned.

"Neither am I," Magnus said, worry etched into his features.

"Jetfire, can you confirm that there are no Decepticons in our immediate vicinity?" Prowl asked.

"_Teletran is scanning the area now…That's affirmative. No 'Cons in the area. There is a high energy field near your location. It seems to be diminishing. Optimus and Elita's energy signatures are in the middle of the field and very faint. Sending you their exact coordinates now._"

"Let's move out," Prowl ordered as we all received the coordinates.

Even before we reached the location things weren't looking good. The ground up ahead looked like it imploded in on itself. There was a huge hole. And as we reached the out rim we looked down and saw the largest cluster of huge quartz crystals I'd ever scene.

"There they are!" Sunny shouted pointing.

The young mech was about to head down into the hole but I grabbed his arm stopping him.

"No! Wait! The crystals are so charged right now! This energy field needs to dissipate first! It's strong enough to knock your CPU offline!" I said, my concern for Optimus and Elita growing.

"But we need to get to Optimus and Elita!" Prowl exclaimed.

"We need a way to disperse the energy," Jazz mused.

"_According to Perceptor and Wheeljack's calculations the energy field should disperse itself any moment now,_" Jetfire said.

As usual our top scientist and engineer were right on. The moment the field dissipated I slide down into the chasm. Dirt and rocks cascaded down with us all the way until we reached the bottom. They uneven terrain of dirt and crystals made it difficult to maneuver but I did the best I could. I had to reach my leader and his sparkmate.

From what I could see so far, Optimus was wrapped around Elita, shielding her from whatever danger they had faced. So typical of our Prime. Always putting himself in danger no matter what the risks are. As much as I bitch to him about putting himself in harms way I am forever grateful for him saving my own life doing just that on a number of occasions.

"They're alive…Optimus took the brunt of the laser fire…" I said, kneeling beside them and slowly pulling Optimus off Elita and laying him on his back. I also gently laid Elita on her back and started my scans on both of them.

"I don't like it here," Prowl grumbled. "We're too exposed and what happened to Optimus and Elita can happen to us."

"Agreed," Magnus said. "Ratchet, can we move them?"

"One moment," I said as my scans were nearly complete. A warning flashed back from Elita's scan so I quickly moved to her side as I analyzed the results. "Well that's interesting."

"What? Is Elita ok?" Jazz asked, kneeling beside me.

"I may have found out why she's having these abrupt mood swings," I chuckled, keeping the secret to myself for the moment while doing a further scan to ensure everything with Elita was fine.

"Great, she's pregnant!" Ironhide huffed. "That's all we need!"

"Ah, come on Hide," Jazz grinned. "You make it sound like a bad thing."

"Jazz, don't start," Prowl groaned.

"I'm not obsessing."

"Yet," Prowl added.

"Thank Primus you two can't procreate," Ironhide said. "The poor sparkling's processor would lock up every time it laughed or farted."

"Well its better than a sparkling blowing itself up likes yours would," Jazz countered defensively, rising to his feet.

"Wrong, if Chromia and I had a sparkling it would know to keep the safety on, have good aim, and shoot you in the aft!"

"Shut up!" Magnus snapped. "Focus. Ratchet…"

"We can move them," I replied. "They've suffered a few burns from the laser fire. Nothing too serious. I do need to run a more thorough scan on their processors."

"Are they offline?"

"Not anymore. They booted back up a few moments ago. But something's…off. I'll know more when we get them to the med bay."

Just then Elita's optics snapped online and she tried to sit up.

"Whoa, lay back down," I said, grabbing hold of her shoulders.

"The 'Cons…" she started, her optics scanning the skies.

"They're gone," I said.

"Can you tell us what happened?" Prowl asked.

"Later Prowl, lets just get Elita and Optimus back to the base," I insisted. I too was getting anxious out in the wide open. The 'Cons could come back.

"Elita! Where is she is she ok?" the femme asked worriedly.

"Uh?" was my initial reaction.

However, it seemed to only enrage the femme!

"Where is Elita? Where's my sparkmate?"

"Uh…Ratchet?" Jazz questioned. "Did she lose a few screws?"

"I'm not sure," I said, my processor trying to calculate what might have happened to Elita. "It's not amnesia…"

"Amnesia?! What the frag?!" Elita snapped. "I am Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots and as your commander I demand that you tell me where Elita is!"

We all literally froze. There was a crash somewhere close behind me. Presumably Prowl's logic circuits just locked up and he went offline. Frag, my logic circuits were threatening to crash too! I think all of ours were as Jazz didn't even budge to see if Prowl was ok.

"I'm going to ask one last time," Elita said slowly, threateningly, as she sat up. "Where…"

The femme suddenly seemed startled noticing her mate lying beside her.

"That's my body!" she exclaimed. "Frag! What happened to me? Where's Elita?"

"Uh…I hate to break it to ya, but you _**are**_ Elita," Jazz said as gently as he possibly could.

The femme took one look at herself. Her optics widened to the point of straining the optic port so badly that I thought her optics were going to pop out!

A second crash sounded as Elita's…or um, Optimus'…or whomever's own logic circuits finally froze up taking the processor offline.

For the longest moment none of us said a word. What _**was**_ there to say? But leave it to Sunstreaker to comment on the situation from his own deviant point of view.

"This is so cool!"


	2. Chapter 2

I'll keep this short! Thanks so much for the reviews, favorites, and alerts! They're very much appreciated. Thank you.

Ok, we pick right up where Sunny left us off! It's all from Magnus' POV in this chappy.

* * *

**Ultra Magnus**

"This is so not cool, Sunny!" Sides said in disbelief of his brother.

"Yeah, it is!" Sunny shot back.

"No, it isn't!" Ironhide said, smacking Sunny on the top of his head.

"Ow! Fragger!" Sunny yelped, rubbing his head. It did nothing to stem the young mech's enthusiasm. "Just think about it for an astrosecond! Optimus' mind in a _**femme's**_ body!"

Oh Primus, I knew where this was going. And it wasn't anything good!

"Jeez, are you guys so over the hill that you can't see what a rare opportunity this is! What I would give to be in Optimus predicament!" Sunny exclaimed doing a quick turn in place.

"I'm so not related to you," Sides grumbled, turning away from his brother.

"Come on! A _**mech**_ in a _**femme's**_ body," Sunny continued. "It's the perfect cover! A mech could walk right into the femme's lair and they would never suspect a thing!"

"Only a deviant would do such a thing by taking advantage of unsuspecting femmes!" Ratchet snarled, throwing a wrench at Sunny who ducked just in time.

"No wonder you're not getting an action thinking like that!" Jazz exclaimed. "I thought I taught you better."

"You can't teach him anything, Jazz," Bumblebee snickered. "Sunny's got a one track processor."

"Some friend you are," Sunny griped, shoving Bumblebee to the ground.

The yellow mech continued laughing as he got to his feet.

"You forgot one thing Sunny," Bee smirked. "If Optimus is in Elita's body then Elita is in Optimus body."

"Oh slag!" Sunny gasped and then he smiled wide. "Well, then she can see what a _**real**_ mech looks like in the shower."

Side's kicked his brother in the aft…hard. Which of course started a fight. Luckily, Ironhide was quick to grab the brother's by their scruff bars and pull them apart. A low growl from the weapon's specialist was enough to shut them up…for now.

"We're losing focus guys," I ordered, struggling to not smack Sunstreaker into the next galaxy for his asinine idea! It was hard enough on my own logic circuits to handle what appeared to have happened – Optimus' mind in Elita's body. If that happened, did Elita really go into Optimus' body? I've know the couple since we were all younglings and neither of them would do this, even as a joke! "Ratchet, can we move Optimus and Elita?"

"Yes, they're physical damage is minor, easily repairable. As for their processors, I need them in the med bay to determine what kind of damage I'm dealing with."

"Good, Bumblebee head back to the base and clear the warp room," I ordered.

"I'm on it," the young mech said then ran up the slope.

"Sides, help Jazz with Prowl," I continued, praying that Prime's second in command came back online soon to help me deal with this debacle. I'm not sure how much longer I can handle it! "Sunny, shut it before I have Ratchet weld it…_**permanently**_. Hide, you and I will get Optimus. Ratchet will handle Elita."

Hide and Ratchet went 'uh?' at the same time.

"Their bodies!" I snapped, rubbing my temple-plates. "Jetfire, you listening?"

"_Every word_," he replied, giggling. Oh Primus, that's never a good sign, especially when he's sober! "_I think I'm going to have to agree with Sunny on this one. What I would give to be…_"

"Shut it!"

"_Shutting it, Magnus!_"

"Not a word to anyone, understood?"

"_Perfectly._"

"You know, we're not going to keep something like this from the entire base," Jazz said, as he and Sides lift Prowl's limb form up.

"I wouldn't be surprised if half the base doesn't already know," Ironhide added.

I groaned, "Jetfire, who did you tell?"

"_No one. Just Wheeljack. Oh and Perceptor. There were here getting excited about analyzing Optimus and Elita's processors. Then there was Bluestreak. But he over heard us talking._"

"Oh no," Jazz moaned, shaking his head. "Once Blue knows something the entire base knows about it!"

"Blue's not _**that**_ bad," Sunny huffed.

"Yes, he is," we all countered at the same time.

"Let's move it," Ratchet grumbled, holding Elita's body in his arms.

"Come on Hide," I said, moving to Optimus' body.

"If what we think has happened," Ironhide grunted as we heft up our leader's heavy unconscious form. "I guess we can't make fun of Optimus' size…frag…and weight."

"Why?" I asked.

"Well, if Optimus is in Elita then it make's sense that Elita is in Optimus. At least, according to my initial scans," Ratchet said.

"Oh right, frag," I shuddered. "Elita's temper in Optimus' body…scary."

"More like 'I'm going to hide on another planet for a week' kind of scary," Sunny added, following us and no one countered him on _**that**_ comment.


	3. Chapter 3

Wow! Thank you for the reviews guys and gals! I'm glad you're having a laugh!

This chapter is more Prowl and Jazz centered. Mostly funny with some fluff. If you dont like mech fluffness then dont read. You've been warned.

* * *

**Prowl**

My CPU rebooted as I emerged from the abrupt recharge my crashed logic circuits sent me into. Ow. Frag it to pit! Why does my processor always have to ache whenever that happens?

"Prowler, come on babe, open those baby blues up for me."

"Jazz, please refrain from calling me that in public," I said, grabbing my head with one hand and slowly opening my optics covers.

As usual Jazz was there at my side when I awakened. My bond mate never failed to be there as I have never failed to be there for him.

"You know I can't help it," he smiled.

I sighed, "Yes I do know. Please, tell me what I think has happened actually _hasn't_ happen."

"Ok, it hasn't happen. It's actually worse, I'm pregnant."

"JAZZ!" I shouted, sitting up.

Jazz merely laughed at me, teasing me over our bond.

"Fragger," I hissed at him.

"Love you too. Come on babe. Ratchet wants to talk to you since you're now in command. Elita and Optimus have been relieved of their duties until…well hopefully until we get this mess cleared up."

"Primus, this is going to make my processor ache even more," I groaned, sliding off the medical berth.

"It's all rather amusing if you think about it. A mech's mind in a femme's body and vice versa."

"I find nothing _amusing_ about this at all."

"Prowl, everything will work out," he said being serious as we stopped a few feet from Ratchet's office. "It always does one way or another."

I exhaled slowly, relaxing a bit. Jazz was right. No matter what we've faced things always managed to work out. Maybe not always for the best but we Autobots were always stronger for it in the end.

"What would I do without you, Jazz?"

"Silly, you'll never be without me," he purred, leaning towards me. "Especially after the processor blowing interface session we had last night. My interface systems are still tingling! You think I'd let any other mech or femme experience that? Frag no! You're all mine, Prowler!"

I groaned, rolling my optics, "Jazz, _please_!"

"Don't make me turn the fire hose on you both!" Ratchet growled from the doorway of his office. "Get you afts in here." Then he turned and grumbled, heading back into his office. "Fragging younglings can't control yourselves!"

"Why do you enjoy embarrassing me?"

"Because I can't keep all my love for you inside," Jazz said, puckering up for a kiss.

I laughed at how ridiculous he was being and shoved his face away from me. Truth was I needed that from Jazz. It was his way to help me deal with the stress my processor was already aching about. And thanks to my bond mate it was aching a little less at the moment.

'You're welcome,' he said over our bond, making me smile at him.

"So, do you have a time frame on when…when this situation can be corrected?" I asked as I entered Ratchet's office.

"Wheeljack and Perceptor are going over the data now," Ratchet answered, picking up a data pad off his desk. "Here is my report after I gave both Optimus and Elita a full medical scan."

After retrieving the medical report I quickly read it. The ache in my processor was slowly getting worse again.

"So, I see from your analysis you were able to confirm that Optimus' conscience is within Elita's processor and vice versa," I commented, letting out a puff of air through my vents.

"That is correct. Optimus' body is still the same…energy signature and such. Except when you scan his processor waves, they do not match his at all. But they do match Elita's processor waves…perfectly. One might be able to make a perfect replica of one of us but each mechanism's processor waves…the way we think is unique from each other. You can't duplicate that."

"What do we do now?" Jazz asked. "You can't keep them in stasis lock. I don't think that's good for the sparkling."

"No, it's not," Ratchet sighed. "I was waiting until you came back online, Prowl. The decision is yours. Who do we wake up first?"

"Optimus," I said without hesitation.

"His body or his…" Jazz started but then quickly shut up when I glared at him. "Sorry."

I accepted his apology through our bond as I turned back to Ratchet.

"Optimus is the logical choice," I explained. "He is our leader. He is…and I say this with the utmost respect for Elita, not prone to sudden outbursts of emotion. With him awakened first, we can count on him to soften to the blow for Elita once she's revived and informed of her situation."

"Your theory is sound," Ratchet smirked. "However, we have no idea what kind of emotional stress their…predicament is going to do to them."

"Only one way to find out," Jazz commented, looking a serious as could be. Except that I could feel exactly how amused he was over the entire situation.

"Let's do this," I ordered. "I need to discuss base operations with Jazz, Magnus and Jetfire as soon as possible."

* * *

Up next: The slag hits the fan when Optimus is awakened!


	4. Chapter 4

Sorry it's taken so long. I've been concentrating more on my Kacey fic which is almost done now. And after the PM's I was getting decided to get my aft in gear. Just so you know I did have to rewrite the chapter. I didn't like it before. This version is much better. Also, thank you to all who are reading!! I appreciate the reviews, the favs and the alerts!

So finally! Optimus wakes up to find he's…_**different**_.

* * *

**Optimus**

"_Elita!"_

"_Frag off! Keep your paws off me!" she shouted smacking my hand away._

"_Elita, what's wrong? I just tried to hug you like I always do before I go for my shift."_

"_Yeah sure. It starts with a hug next comes a kiss then you go probing with your interface rod. That's all I am to you…a convenient frag!"_

"_That's it! I'm taking you to Ratchet for a maintenance check up!" I snapped, grabbing hold of her arm as firmly and as gently as possible._

"_Like pit you will!" she snarled, swinging her knee up hard. I just managed to move my hips to one side to avoid a direct blow to my interface panel. Still even a blow in the general area hurt enough to drop me to one knee and let go of her._

"_ELITA STOP!" I shouted when she transformed and sped off._

_She obviously wasn't going to stop. So I transformed and sped after her. Because of her alt form she was able to slide around the turns in the hallways much faster than I could. I even dared to go fast than I should have around several turns only to slam into a wall or fish tail about before regaining control._

_Then at the warp room I arrived just after she left. I didn't care where I went. Something was bothering my sparkmate and I was determined to get to the bottom of it. Once the warp gate was ready again I punched in my activation code and stood in position._

_Moments later I arrived on a flat plain in the middle of I didn't care fully ready to transform and speed after Elita's energy signature. Only I didn't have to. My sparkmate stood but a few meters ahead of me._

_I let out a short sigh then took determined strides towards her._

"_Elita, what is wrong? Please tell me!" I pleaded, gently resting my hands on her shoulders not attempting to turn her towards me. I knew it was best to best to let her do things her way. I could feel her beginning to open up to me about whatever was troubling her._

"_I'm sorry," she said, trembling. "I'm just not ready for this."_

"_Ready for what?"_

_The ground suddenly exploded besides us. More weapons fired rained down from the sky. Instinctively, I used my body to protect Elita from the barrage of the attack while calling the base for back up. Then before I could even get my weapon out to return fire the ground shook and crumbled beneath out feet._

"_Optimus!"_

"_Hold on!" I shouted wrapping my arms around her, holding her close and hoping to cushion the fall for her._

_When we fell it felt like it took forever to hit the bottom. The pain we suddenly felt on the way down was excruciating. I could feel Elita's pain through our bond. I did my best to keep mine to myself until blessed oblivion saved us._

"Optimus, can you hear me?"

What? Who? That sounded like Ratchet. Except his voice sounded distorted and far away.

"Why isn't he waking up?"

Wow. Prowl's voice sounded equally fragged up.

"OPTIMUS!! WAKE UP!" Ratchet shouted.

My optics snapped open but I couldn't see things clearly and closed them again. Ouch the light hurt my optics and my processor felt fuzzy and ached. Even worse, my tanks were violently churning. I rolled over on my side, curling up and grabbing my midsection. The movement caused my tanks to lurch up into my throat and I puked up a smelly brownish substance.

"Slag! I'm afraid I gave him too much of a dose when I knocked him out," Ratchet said, his voice sounding much clearer than before. Even my vision was starting to clear. "Nothing harmful mind you. I'll just give him a drug to counteract the effects."

Knock me out? Why would Ratchet do a thing like that? I thought hastily. Was I that badly damaged? What the frag happened? I had the weirdest out of body experience!

I started to run a system wide diagnostic even as I felt the fog lift from my processor. In a matter of astroseconds the results came back. It said no errors however my body temperature was below my normal temp, my spark rate a bit higher. Even my energy levels were different!

"His processor should be more alert now," Ratchet commented. "Can you hear my Optimus?"

I opened my optics to see him hovering close to me with Prowl and Jazz behind him. The look on Prowl's face said it all…I was so slagged.

"Don't move," Ratchet said, grabbing my arm before I could raise it. "I want to talk to you, to explain a few things, first."

I nodded and heaved a heavy sigh. This wasn't going to be good.

"Are you more comfortable like that or can you lay on your back?"

I answered by slowly uncurling and lying on my back, squinting at the lights above.

"Good. Now, do you recall what happened when you first woke up, after the Decepticon attack?"

"Yeah, I was having the strangest out of body experience," I answered then froze up. "What happened to my voice?!"

"That's part of what I want to explain," Ratchet said. "You and Elita…"

"Elita! The Decepticons…frag, can I see her?"

"_**After**_ I explain," Ratchet insisted.

"It was my decision to wake you first, Optimus," Prowl said. "So you could help with Elita."

"Is she ok? Where is she?" I asked despite the fact that my voice was…different and that as I became more alert I even felt different. Despite her anger earlier I needed to know my sparkmate was ok.

"She's fine," Ratchet assured me. "She's resting comfortably. I'm going to let you see her but after we talk about…a few things first."

"Like why I feel different and why my voi…oh frag."

I closed my optics and groaned, covering my face with my hand. A line Jazz said earlier suddenly popped in my processor – 'You _**are**_ Elita.' Oh frag no. This cannot be happening.

"I didn't have an out of body experience did I?"

"Well…sort of," Jazz answered, giggling. "You made Prowl's logic circuits crash."

"Jazz!" Prowl hissed, slapping his sparkmate on the back of his head.

"Optimus…"

"Just…give me a second here, Ratch," I said trying to collect myself.

With a deep sigh, I slowly opened my optics and looked at my hand. It wasn't my hand really. It was small, delicate…and the armor was…I shuddered…pink.

"Oh no…" I moaned, daring to look at my now slender arms, long sleek armored legs, and…oh Primus, budding breast plates. "This can't be happening! Tell me this can't be happening!"

"Try to relax…" Ratchet started and I finally blew a gasket.

"**RELAX!! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO RELAX? I'M NOT EVEN IN MY BODY TO RELAX!! GIVE ME MY BODY BACK!!**"

"First of all, you need to stop acting like a spoiled brat," Ratchet replied calmly which only annoyed the slag out of me making my sparkrate shoot up. I was literally on the verge of losing control and couldn't do anything about it. "Second, you _**need**_ to stay calm because it's not good for you _**or**_ the sparkling."

"…"

My processor started to haze over. The room started to darken. It was almost too much for me. But I forced myself to not black out.

Sparkling? Elita…sparked?

"You didn't know, did you?" Ratchet quietly asked.

"Why wouldn't she tell me she was with spark?" I asked, my spark suddenly feeling hurt, even a little spurned. I couldn't help it. Frag it was like I had no control.

I started crying.

"Oh Primus," Ratchet huffed, glancing towards the heavens above.

"Ah, I can't stand to see a femme cry," Jazz cooed, patting my hand.

"I'm not a femme!" I snarled at him then wiped my tears away.

"Jazz, you're not helping," Prowl said, pulling Jazz back.

I turned my face away, trying to stop my tears. This was so humiliating. I could feel all three of them watching me. I think I could even Prowl's processor straining to not crash. Or maybe that was mine or Elita's or…whatever!

"We're working on getting you back to your body, I promise, Sir," Prowl softly said.

"If it's any consolation, Elita's in the same predicament. She trapped in your body," Ratchet said, making me turn back to face them.

"No," I said flatly. "It's not any consolation." I sighed closing my optics for a moment.

Then it suddenly dawned on me…I'm a father. I'm a father!

My optics welled up all by them selves. Great, I started crying again.

"Optimus, physically you and Elita are perfectly fine," Ratchet explained gently yet I had the feeling that if I was in my normal body acting this way he'd have slapped me around a few times and telling me to pull my fragging head out of my aft.

"Tell me about the sparkling," I suddenly found myself saying. "Do you…do you think Elita knew about it?"

Ratchet hesitated, glancing at the others, at me, and then at the floor. I drew my own conclusion.

"Why didn't she tell me?" I choked out.

"Had you two talked about sparklings?" Jazz asked.

"No, not really," I sniffled. "I mean I just assumed that we would eventually have one but after the war. And Elita never really brought up the subject."

"Well then there's why," he smiled at me. "She was probably just scared to tell you. A sparkling is monumental event in one's life."

"It also explains why Elita has been so irritable," Ratchet added.

"I…I think she was going to tell me when I caught up with her," I said sadly, recalling her words just before we were attacked. "But we were attacked. My only thought was for her safety."

"You're both safe now and so is your sparkling," Ratchet smiled.

"Where's Elita? I need to speak with her."

"If you feel strong enough, I'll take you to her," Ratchet said and I nodded in response. "We'll have Ironhide and Magnus around just in case."

"Why?" I asked as he helped me slowly sit up. Then it dawned on me. Elita…over reacting…and in my body. "Oh, nevermind."

"Here let me give you a hand," Jazz smiled.

"Stop patronizing me! I'm still Prime" I snapped then shifted my weight off the medical berth.

Big mistake number one – I neglected to realize that I was now inhabiting a much, much smaller body than I was used too!

Big mistake number two – leaning forward when my feet felt for a ground that wasn't there because my current legs were much shorter than my real legs.

Big mistake number three?

Well, after I ungracefully hit the floor, face first…breasts first since they hit first and I actually bounced before smacking my face on the floor…and feeling utterly humiliated that three of my highest ranking officers were probably gawking at my now hot pink armored aft, I honestly didn't think things could get any worse.

Was I wrong. Was I so very, _**very**_ wrong.


	5. Chapter 5

I decided to do a transition scene between Optimus and Elita. Elita will be the next chapter. Here's some Jazz for ya!

Author's notes: '...' bond talk, "..." normal talk

**

* * *

**

**Jazz**

Prowl and I were stunned for a moment. I wasn't exactly sure what to do! But I didn't think it was right for our Prime to be lying on the floor like that with his round pink aft in the air. A Prime demanded more dignity than that even if he didn't ask for it!

'Do I dare help her up?' I asked Prowl over our bond. 'Wait, him or her?'

'_**Him**_.'

'You sure?'

'Jazz, please my logic circuits are strained enough as it is! And I have a processor ache like you wouldn't believe! Let's just get him up off the floor,' Prowl replied over our intimate link. Then he knelt down beside Optimus. I quickly followed suit. "Let us help you up, Sir."

"Thank you Prowl," Optimus said in the feminine voice I was so used to hearing from Elita only it was softer than her normal tone she used when talking to us mechs. "Sorry to be so short with you Jazz. I'm not myself at the moment."

"That's an understatement," I retorted lightheartedly.

"Jazz!" Prowl hissed, chiding me over our bond…again.

"It's quite alright, Prowl. Just…give me a few minutes…ow that hurt. I didn't realize they were _**that**_ sensitive."

Prowl's optics widened and mouth gaped open slightly. I thought his processor was going to crash again when Optimus started rubbing his dark pink breastplates with both hands.

"They're not damaged are they?" Optimus asked inspecting them.

"No," Ratchet choked out, obviously holding back a laugh. It was clear keeping his composure was too much of a strain. "Excuse me!"

Our cranky CMO was laughing wildy before he even shut the door. Honestly, I never heard Ratchet laugh that way before.

Optimus sighed covering his face, looking like he wanted to find a hole and just hide in it.

"Why don't you take a few minutes to collect yourself," I suggested, reaching over and shutting Prowl's mouth before Optimus looked at him.

"You mean pick up what's left of my pride off the floor?" Optimus asked peeking through his slender fingers. "If there is any."

"I know it's rough now but it can only get better, Sir," I said with the utmost respect for my Prime.

"I hope so, Jazz. I truly hope so."

"Take your time. We'll meet you outside Elita's private room when you're ready, Sir," I smiled, grabbing Prowl's arm and dragging him with me.

'Don't you dare crash on me, babe!' I snapped at Prowl once we were in the other room. I smacked him hard on the back of the head for good measure knowing it sometimes did the trick of keeping him online.

Those pretty blue optics of his blinked a couple of times before his normal calm demeanor returned to his face.

"I need something for my processor ache," he groaned, rubbing his temples.

"Wait here for Optimus," I smiled warmly at my love, caressing his face, trying to sooth him over our bond. "I'll get you something for the pain."

I turned away from Prowl, narrowing my optics when I heard roaring laughter coming from Ratchet's office. I stormed straight for it. It's one thing to laugh at Optimus when he pulls a lugnut move. But this situation isn't his fault!

"I'm ashamed at you guys!" I growled, glaring at Ratchet, Ironhide, and even Magnus. Obviously the two brute sized mechs were just told about Optimus falling flat on his face. Of course, only Magnus looked ashamed when I snapped at them. "He's our Prime! He deserves our respect! How would any of you feel if you were in his position now?"

"Jazz is right," Magnus replied, straightening up. "This is no laughing matter."

"Whatever, if it was me or Ratchet, Optimus would be laughing his fraggin aft off too!" Ironhide said.

"Hide's right," Ratchet smirked.

Frag! Now I was getting a processor ache. Ratchet and Ironhide went _**way**_ back. They helped raise Optimus. That basically gave them the right to laugh at him whenever they felt like it!

"Ok, ok," I conceded. "If you two are going to laugh at him at least make an attempt to do it where he won't hear you?"

"I can't promise you but I will try," Ironhide said and Ratchet nodded in agreement. "I just wish I'd seen it!"

I smacked a hand to my face as Ironhide and Ratchet lost control again. Before I could even attempt to shut them up I heard a loud crash and clattering from behind me in the other room where I left Prowl.

"I hope that wasn't…" I mumbled to myself, turning around, praying that Prowl's CPU didn't' crash.

Frag, it crash.

Prowl was on the floor sprawled out in a mess of tools that fell off the bench I assumed he smacked in to on the way down. Optimus was standing close by, one hand on a hip with the other hand scratching the top of his pink helm with a look of 'oops, sorry, my bad' all over his face plates.

Then he looked over at me and didn't hesitate to comment, "I think its best that you not ask."

I decided for my own sanity to leave it at that and not ask.


	6. Chapter 6

I just wanted to say thank you for the reviews, the favorites, and alerts people!

Again this is a cracked fic. Some of the mechs and femmes will be slightly out of character. It's meant to be funny and ridiculous.

Now, on with Ironhide's pov as Ratchet wakes up Elita. Remember she's in Prime's massive body. Hehe. This is so going to be so sweet!

* * *

**Ironhide**

"So what did you say to make Prowl crash?" I asked Optimus quietly as Ratchet and Jazz helped to get Prowl's unconscious form on a nearby medical berth.

He gave me a stern look that didn't quite have the same effect as if it wasn't his own face. Nor could he be as menacing as Elita! The femme could be scary when she really wanted to be.

"It's classified," he finally said, trying to cross his arms over his chest much like he always did. Only he couldn't quite decide how to rest them because of the obvious extra extended mass on his chest.

"Mia folds her arms and just rests them on…you know," I suggested, pointing.

I almost jumped back from his glare. That was definitely Optimus' steel, hard death gaze.

"I'm just trying to help," I meekly said.

"Don't!" he snapped then sighed, pinching his small noseplate. "Sorry. I appreciate it. All I want is to desperately get back into _**my**_ body. Elita and I have a lot to talk about."

I noticed how he rubbed his abdomen. I wasn't sure if he did it consciously or not. Before I could question if anything was wrong, Ratchet and Magnus came over. Jazz was obviously staying behind to be with his sparkmate.

"Let's hope that Elita keeps you body in one piece," Ratchet commented. "Ironhide, Magnus, it's your job to see that she doesn't harm herself once I wake her up."

"And to save your aft," I snorted at my friend.

"Anyways," Ratchet continued, ignoring me. "I'll explain to Elita what happened and then it's up to Optimus to keep her calm."

"Sounds like a plan," Magnus said, rolling his shoulders and flexing his arms as if to prepare for a fight. I gave him a look. "Best to be prepared for the worst and hope for the best."

"Right, let's go," Ratchet said and we all followed him into the other private room.

"Wow, am I really that big?" Optimus asked.

"Only one mech on the base is bigger and that's Magnus," Ratchet commented, moving closer to Elita.

Magnus and I waited a short distance away but out of what would be Elita's line of sight.

"Optimus, what are you doing?" I asked when he moved to hide behind Ratchet.

"Staying out of the line of fire. If I'm that big, you and Magnus don't have a chance."

"They'll be fine," Ratchet said. "They've handled your strength before."

"If you say so," Optimus retorted. "Just remember, _**I'm**_ not in my body right now. Elita is. She's not going to fight like I do."

"Good point," Magnus remarked.

"She fights dirty," I added, looking at Magnus. "Make sure she doesn't get a clear shot at your crotch plate or you'll be down and out more ways than one."

Magnus made a pained expression but nodded in agreement. I know I didn't want to experience the pain of getting punched or kicked in the crotch by a femme with Elita's temper and Optimus' strength. It most likely would be a dent that Ratchet wouldn't be able to fix!

"Let's just get this over with," Ratchet growled, getting us to shut up. "Good. Now, if you're ready I'm waking her up now."

I watched with apprehension as Ratchet plunged the injector into a sleeping giant's neck. My processor buzzed with possible scenarios. Being a bonded mech and _**knowing**_ exactly how badly a femme could react, all my scenarios ended badly.

Pfft! No wonder Optimus was hiding! He knew it too!

Only it was too late now. The massive arms and legs shifted slightly and optic cover's opened.

"Elita, good you're awake," Ratchet said, not hesitating one bit. I'm sure he was thinking the same thing as Magnus and I were 'please, not in the crotchplate!' "Don't move, don't speak. Let me explain something first. First of all, Optimus is fine. He's very worried for you. Second, the sparkling is fine as well." Deep blue optics widened at that statement, making Ratchet put a comforting hand on the massive forearm before him. "Yes, I know about the sparkling. Optimus does too. I'm sorry I asked him about it. I honestly thought he knew."

"But we'll get to that in a few minutes. Right now we have a bigger issue I need to tell you about. There was a…freak accident when you and Optimus were attacked by the Decepticons. Something happened during that attack that caused yours and Optimus' consciousness switched bodies. To put it another way, Optimus' conscious is _**in**_ your body and yours is _**in**_ his body." A flame patterned forearm lifted up and was inspected. "I promise you that we're working on trying to figure out how it happened and how to correct it. Do…do you have any questions?"

An eerie silence filled the room. One that made every nut and bolt on my frame shake. It seemed to stretch on and on until I finally heard that deep, baritone voice of my Prime. Only it wasn't my Prime.

"Where is Optimus?" she asked calmly.

"I'm here," Optimus said, coming out from his hiding spot with this sheepish look on his face.

The fragger still never has the bearings to stand up to his femme!

In a flash I suddenly realized why!

"**YOU FRAGGER THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT**!" she roared, flying off the medical berth and tackling Optimus to the floor literally crushing him.

The mech stuck in a femme's body didn't have a chance!

"**ELITA! STOP! YOU CAN HURT THE SPARKLING**!" Ratchet shouted, trying to pry one massively large hand off the femme's natural pick body.

Ratchet should have kept his mouth shut for the femme trapped in the oversized mech's body turned on him and crushed him as badly as she'd crushed Optimus! Magnus and I rushed to try and control the enraged Femme Commander. It took some effort on our part to pry her off the CMO.

Then Elita just flung us off and let loose this bestial roar that sounded more terrifying than anything I'd ever heard erupt from Optimus' mechly vocal processor when he was in command during the heat of a battle.

"**RUN!**" Optimus screamed and tore out of the room in this pink flash…well…just like a femme!

And I wasn't ashamed to admit it but I wasn't far behind him!


	7. Chapter 7

Thanks again and again everyone for enjoying this little fic so far. I hope you continue to laugh and have fun with this next chapter. I'm sure many of you know Jetfire. My favorite is the Armada one. He's such a character! Hehe.

Anyway, one can always count on the Jetster for a good laugh in this fic!

Author's notes: _italics_ denote comlink chatter

* * *

**Jetfire**

I decided to take a break and head to the medical bay, hoping my best friend Optimus was awake by now. And to get a look at him in a femme's body. I know. I'm bad. But frag something like this doesn't….wait, scratch that! Something like this has never happened and I wasn't going to miss out!

"Oh! Hi Chromia!" I smiled when she turned the corned and joined my stride for stride.

"Unfragging believable!" she growled.

"Uh…ok, whatever I did I'm sorry?"

"Not _**you**_! Ratchet is such an idiot. The mech needs to pull his head out of his aft or get fragged! What was he thinking waking Elita up and having Magnus and Ironhide there to hold her down just in case? She's a _**femme**_! Let this be a lesson to you, Jetfire. Never send in three mechs to do a femme's job!"

"Don't worry, I'd _**never**_ send a mech to do a femme's job. Nope, only the delicate slender fingers of a femme delve into my…"

"Jetfire, if you finish that sentence I swear to Primus I'll shove one of Hide's cannons up your aft!"

"…"

I tried my most charming smile to calm her.

It didn't work.

Thankfully, a loud roar could be heard coming from the medical bay up ahead, distracting the femme from causing any damage to my precious bod. Instead, the two of us stopped in our tracks and listened to another roar. It sounded very much like Optimus' battle cry. Only more _**primal**_.

"Slag, I'm too late!" Chromia gritted.

"Stay back. Let me go in first," I said, holding her back.

I hurried ahead of her before she could protest. However, before I entered the medical bay a familiar looking femme in all pink armor rushed out and slammed right into me. She didn't have a chance against my massive frame and ended up on her aft on the floor.

"Ow," she whimpered rubbing her breastplates. My optics widened at the sight. Femmes never do things like that in public! "Fragging things will be flat by the end of the day!"

"Ah don't say that. They are rather…ample in size," I smiled, quickly recovering and bending down with the intention of help her up.

_**BAM!!!**_

"_**OW!!**_ What'd you punch me in the face for?"

"**Because I know you, Jetfire!**" she snarled, pointing sharply at me.

"Anyone tell you that you punch like a mech?" I moaned, massaging my chin.

"**I am a mech**!"

"Right…sorry, Optimus," I said, giving him a hand up. Then just _**couldn't**_ hold myself back. That just wouldn't be me! "You're one of the prettiest mech's I've ever seen."

"Not now, Jetfire, please," he groaned. "Primus, I could use a drink right now!"

More violent sounds erupted from the medical bay. Mechs shouting and grunting. Crashes. Shattering. Someone yelped loudly! I wasn't sure if I wanted to peek in or not.

"**NO ELITA! STOP**!" Magnus' distinct mech voice bellowed.

I was saved from making the decision to look in or not when Jazz had come flying out, crashing into the wall.

"Oww," he whimpered, climbing unsteadily to his feet.

"**EVERYONE OUT**!!" Ironhide's voice boomed.

"Slag! Stay out of there!" Magnus panted, hurrying out of the medical bay and limping badly, looking like he tried wresting with a freight train and lost.

Close behind him was Ratchet with one of Prowl's arms around his shoulder, dragging the unconscious mech with him. Several medical technicians ran out as well. When Ironhide ran out he turned and punched in his security access code to shut and lock the door.

"Hide!"

"I'm fine, Mia," he huffed, gently holding her off. "I suggest we not go in there for a long while."

"Agreed," Ratchet said.

"You idiots," Chromia snarled. "She's a femme, not a monster."

"Oh, I don't know. Some femmes _**are**_ scary," I commented getting a dirty look from her like she was about to rip something vital right off me. I took a step back out of her reach just in case.

"I'll talk to her and get her to calm down," she said, glaring at all of us mechs. "I suggest you guys make yourself scarce. All of you."

"Me too?" Optimus asked, flinching every time a loud bang reverberated through the wall.

"Especially you!" Ratchet said. "Chromia's right. Magnus, Hide, Jazz, come with me and I'll tend to your injuries. Jazz, once we get Prowl online again, you'd better make sure he stays online. He's in command of the base. Optimus, you can go to your quarters or anywhere so long as you rest. No work! I mean it. I'll check on in a little while. Jetfire, stay with him. I don't think he should be alone right now."

"Copy that, doc bot," I saluted. "Come on Optimus. Let's go." Optimus didn't move like the others did. I watched him as Chromia disappeared into the medical bay. "Hey bud, Elita is going to be just fine. Chromia will get her to calm down. Why don't we head to your quarters and have us that drink you need."

I had to restrain myself when he looked up me with such a sad look on his faceplates. I hate it when femmes are sad. Makes me want to hug them and comfort them.

I shuddered. Oh Primus, this was my best friend in a femme's body!

"Come on, let's go," I repeated, shaking off the image that had popped in my processor and gently tugged on his arm.

It took another, little firmer tug to get my friend moving. Doing the sensible thing, for once, I led Optimus straight to his and Elita's quarters and sat him down in a chair. Then I went to his desk and pulled one of the secret floor panels up, grabbing some of the good high grade, the strong high grade that Sunny and Sides dream they could get their hands on. Thankfully only Optimus and I knew where it was. Elita didn't even know!

"She's closed off her end of our sparklink," he suddenly spoke as I was looking for a couple of cups.

"She always does that when you two have a big fight," I replied, finding the cups. I immediately filled them and headed over to sit near my friend. "Cheer up bud," I smiled, sticking a cup in his hands. "She'll come around, she always does."

"I don't think she loves me anymore," he sighed, slouching in the chair, staring at the floor between his feet.

"That's bullslag and you know it. That femme worships you and the aft you sit on. You've both just been through a traumatizing experience and need to settle down. Trust me. She'll be back to herself in no time. Now drink up."

Before I could even get the cup to my lips I heard sniffling. Oh Primus, now he's crying! Just like a femme! I decided to treat him just like a mech. He was a mech after all, even if he was trapped in the totally hot pink body of his sparkmate.

"Sorry," he said after a while, wiping his face with his forearm. "I don't feel myself."

"Well, you're not exactly yourself so I'll forgive you this time," I smiled, draining my cup. I got up with the intention of refilling it. "Drink!"

"I just feel so out of control. I'm not used to that."

"You're in control still," I said, grabbing the container of high grade. I refilled my cup and just brought the container with me back to my chair. At least Optimus finally took a long drink, draining his cup. "See, you took a drink just like a mech. You're even holding the cup just like you always do. And, if I might add, you're not sitting too modestly and proper like femme either."

"But I don't look like _**me**_. I don't feel like _**me**_, Jetfire. I see this pink and all I can think about is Elita!"

"So, change your color," I said, refilling his cup.

"Not sure I can do that."

"Sure you can, you're a transformer. Just scan a new alt form that you like and viola, you're more you and less…_**pink**_."

He raised an optic ridge much like he always did when he had a good idea.

"And once Elita and I are back in our own bodies, she can always go back!"

"There you go!" I cheered, clanking my cup against his.

Together we downed another cupful.

"Thanks, Jetfire. I feel much better," he smiled.

"Let's keep it that way and get you a new alt form."

"It has to be red."

"No problem."

"Oh! And fast too!" he said excitedly. "Like one of those sports cars! I've always wondered what it was like to speed like one of them around the turns. My true form is fast but takes forever to hit top speed and I can't take turns well. I tip over."

"Yeah, I saw that when you were chasing down Barricade," I laughed.

"Shut up!" he glared, punching me in the arm. "Let's go. Bring the high grade. I know just the place to scan a new alt form."

I didn't need to be told twice and followed my pink Prime through the base to the warp room. I didn't even ask where we were going. I did have to help steady Optimus. He was already walking like he was over energized as the high grade finally hit his femme systems. I quickly realized I over looked the matter that he was in a femme's body and didn't think how it would react to the strong high grade.

Oops! I giggled to myself. This was going to be fun!

"Wow, so Elita really is a lightweight," I commented.

"Yeahhhh, sshhe doesssn't lllike tooo drrrinkkk," he slurred as we warped out to our destination.

I grinned at the desert landscape. It was perfect for trying out one's new wheels, especially if one was over energized and probably couldn't drive in a straight line. When I turned around I saw a strip of car dealerships. Then I looked at Optimus swaying on his feet.

"Maybe you should lay off the high grade!"

"Frrag yoouu! It'sss myyy hiiigh grrraddde! Donnt mmakke meeee orrrderrr yoouu. Beeeesidddesss. I'mmmm the onnee witthh theee issuessss!"

"Ok, fair is fair," I said and handed him the high grade.

This wasn't the first time I got Optimus so over energized he could barely walk. And like on those other occasions, I would pick him up and take care of him. I lost count of how many times he's done so for me. What are friends for, right?

"Do you see one you want?"

"Yeah…therrree…the TTessla."

"Tesla Roaster. Nice. It's red too! You're favorite color."

"_Jetfire, this is Ratchet. Where's Optimus?_" the CMO's voice suddenly sounded over my communicator.

"_Ahh…resting_," I replied, feeling it was part truth since Optimus had staggered and fallen down in the sand. "Optimus, that's high grade abuse, letting it spill like that," I muttered as I quickly went to help him back up on his feet.

"_Exactly where is he resting?_" Ratchet asked and I ignored.

"I'mmm, finnee," Optimus giggled and staggered away from me.

"_**Jetfire!!**_" Ratchet screamed at me.

Frag! My spark was racing enough as it was with Ratchet the Hatchet screaming at me. Now I was suddenly looking down the barrel of Elita's all too familiar blaster that was whipped right out of subspace for trying to be helpful.

"Ok, I'll just…wait over here," I said, backing away with my hands up. "I have a call from Ratchet anyway."

"Gooood, ttttell the ollldddd fragggggerrrr toooo sssstoppp tttreeatting meee liiike a sparrrkllinnng!"

"Gotcha," I said and turned to go retrieve the high grade container from where Optimus set it down. I took a long, long drink from it.

"_**You're not even on the base?**__!_" the old fragger screeched making me wince.

I took another drink and damn near choked on the stuff!

"_So I lied,"_ I admitted._ "He's not resting. He's blowing off some steam. He needed it._"

"_Jetfire, this is Prowl. I'm ordering you to bring Optimus back. __**Now**__!_"

"_Gee! Can't a bot have fun with his bud from time to time?_"

"_**Jetfire**_!" Prowl and Ratchet both yelled at me.

"_Fine, I'll…_"

I barely heard the sound of the transformation sequence before I heard the furious purr of an engine. When I turned around it was too late! I stood there, watching a dust cloud zoom further and further away from me at an alarming speed.

"Oh, I'm so slagged!" I yelped.


	8. Chapter 8

So while Jetfire's getting Optimus slagfaced, Chromia's dealing with her best friend. This was kind of a serious femme to femme talk with humor added. I had to explain why Elita went berserk.

**Author's notes**: '…' bond talk

* * *

**Chromia**

I bravely walked into the medical bay despite Ironhide's worries. I told him he was an aft for not telling me about the situation sooner. Stupid mechs always insist on doing things the hard way.

"Elita, it's me, Chromia," I called out stepping around a dismantled medical berth.

In response, I heard heavy footfalls coming from one of the nearby private rooms and made a move towards it. Leaning to my left slightly, I peeked in to see Optimus' massive form heading for the open door.

At first glance it would appear to be Optimus in an intimidating ticked off mood that even made his flames seem imposing. Only I knew it wasn't Optimus occupying the mech's frame and anyone who was close to the mech could tell it wasn't him by the unsure cumbersome movements in his legs and the uncharacteristic fidgeting with his hands. Plus, Optimus _**never**_ stomped that loudly as he was surprisingly light on his feet for a large mech.

"Elita…"

"What do you want?" she growled, cutting me off.

"Elita, I…**look out**!"

_**CLUNK!!**_

I winced when her forehead smacked the top of the door frame, making her stagger back a few thundering steps.

"**Frag**!" she growled, rubbing the mark on her forehead.

"You ok?" I gently asked, moving towards her.

"No," she replied voice trembling, sounding as if she was at her wits end. I knew exactly what to do.

"Let's sit down and talk before I call Ratchet back, ok?"

Elita nodded, appearing as if she were on the verge of tears which would be interesting considering I've never seen Optimus cry before.

"I wonder how many times Optimus banged his head before he learned to duck," I joked, hoping to lighten the mood when she ducked, glaring at the doorframe.

"I never understood why he used to always gripe about the doorways after we moved into this new base…until now."

A heavy sigh sounded as I slowly led my friend across the room. Elita and I were more than just best friends. She was as much my confidant as I was hers. We were sisters in arms, ready to fight for the Autobots way of life and defend our fellow Autobots to the death if needs be. I was there to kick her in the aft when she was being an idiot for turning down Optimus' proposal to bond. She was there kicking Ironhide's aft when he was too scared to ask me to bond to him even when we all knew he wanted to.

For every major event in our mature lives together, Elita and I had been there for each other. Our friendship has survived the highs, the lows, and this civil war. I know it wasn't all perfect. We fought like sisters with each other from time to time. We shed the same tears for lost friends and loved ones. And Elita wasn't the only one with a stubborn streak around here. But we always worked out our problems…together.

This…situation, albeit the oddest one ever, was simply another obstacle we needed to tackle together.

A heard another heavy sigh.

"Talk to me, Elita," I said, coming to a stop. "I know you. You don't overreact for any reason. And I know you can't be _**that**_ upset over this body swap thing. No matter how dire the situation you always handle it with poise. You're the Femme Commander. So tell me what's really bothering you."

"I can't feel him," she murmured, rubbing split of her wide chest.

"Optimus is fine, he's with Jetfire," I smiled. "Despite Jetfire being an aft and a goof, he'll take good care of Optimus. You know that."

Elita looked down at me. So much sadness was in those optics.

"No, I can't feel _**him**_…my…I mean Optimus' and mine…_**our**_ sparkling."

"Oh," I blinked in surprise. "I'm sorry. I didn't know you sparked."

"I didn't want to believe that I was with sparkling," she continued, optics dimming, voice so soft it was almost a whisper. "We're at war with the Decepticons. Optimus is Prime. I'm the Femme Commander. We don't have time to raise a sparkling. Nor do we need the added pressure of being parents, of trying to protect the sparkling that would only be a new target for Megatron."

"I take it you two didn't plan on this sparkling."

"No, I hadn't even told Optimus yet. Although, after what's happened," she said, hand moving up and down the large frame she occupied. "He probably knows now."

Her large frame suddenly shuddered and a weak sob escaped from her.

"I was afraid to tell him, Chromia."

"Why? Optimus would _**love**_ to have a sparkling with you."

"That's exactly why?!" she exclaimed throwing her long arms up in the air, making me take a small step away…just in case. "He'd want this sparkling despite the war and our duties."

"Are…are you saying you don't want it?"

"I don't know," she wept, one large hand covering her face. "But it was very distressing to wake and not _**feel**_ the sparkling. I'm not sure I even recall half of what happened I felt so out of control."

I folded my arms across my chest, grinning at my friend.

"Waking up like that I understand why you acted the way you did. But you want to know what I think?" I questioned.

"What?"

"Elita, I know you. You wouldn't terminate the pregnancy no matter what. You'd never do such a thing to Optimus. You know he'd be thrilled about it! So would the entire base. A sparkling would be good for morale considering we haven't had one since Bumblebee. _**You**_ are just afraid you won't be a good enough mother!"

"Oh that is the most preposterous thing I've heard!" she countered, resting her hands on her hips.

"Stubborn slag!"

"Fragging glitch!" she glared down at me.

"Mom," I smirked.

Elita opened her mouth as if to make a remark only nothing came out. She didn't have a comeback. My smile grew broader as she her shoulders sagged in defeat.

"You're right," she frowned.

'Mia?' Ironhide called over our bond.

'It's all good Hide. You can have Ratchet and the others come back. Just wait outside the door until I call you in.'

'Sure thing baby. I'll comm. Ratchet. But I'm outside the door if you need me.'

"Why don't we sit down and we can talk sparkling names!" I suggested, fixing a couple of chairs to their upright positions. "I'm not going to shirk my duties as Aunt to this sparkling."

"I wonder…will Optimus forgive me for not telling him? I was so terrible to him the last few days."

"He's a mech, he'll get over it," I snorted. "Besides, he loves you far too much to ever stay angry at you for long. Now sit."

"I suppose your right," she sighed then dropped heavily into the chair I indicated.

I cringed, closing my optics.

In retrospect, the thought never occurred to me as to _**why**_ I've never seen Optimus sitting down unless he was in his specifically designed office chair, the large command chair in the Command Center no one else _**ever**_ sat in, or a large couch in the recreation room until Elita was grimacing in pain on the floor with a flattened chair poking out from under her aft. Optimus stay standing for a reason – he was too big and heavy for the majority of the chairs on this base.

"Slag! I'm sorry, Elita!" I yelped, offering my friend a hand to help her up.

She shot me a blazing look like I was fragging out of my processor!

"Oh, right," I said, realizing there was now way in pit I'd be able to lift her up. "HIDE!"

"I can manage," she grumbled, grunting and groaning as she labored to stand, hunched over. "OW!"

"Ouch!" I winced, seeing a splinter of metal from the leg of the chair embedded in her aft.

"Can you pull it out please?" Elita pleaded.

My optics widened! What?

"Ah…listen I'm a femme who never messes with other femmes' mechs. I'm the kind of femme who would harsh words with anyone who dared to touch my Hide inappropriately. Just as Optimus is all yours. I do admit you mech does have one of the hottest afts on the base. But I can't in all good conscious…touch _**it**_. His aft belongs to you, Elita!"

"Oh for frag's sake!" she snapped and then groaned in pain.

"Hide!" I grinned when he finally entered and came towards us.

"Ratchet's on the way. What's the problem?"

I pointed.

"Oh, I see," he grimaced, scratching the top of his head.

"Can you pull it out?" Elita begged, over her shoulder.

"Well…I'm not sure it would be appropriate, Ma'am," my love replied bashfully, even blushing slightly. Frag he's so cute when he does that!

"Why? It's a piece of metal embedded uncomfortably in my aft!"

"You're one of Optimus' closest friends. You can do it," I said.

"No way! Coz that's Elita-One occupying that body and she's _**your**_ best friend. The only femme's aft I touch is yours. So Mia, you pull it out."

"While Elita's occupying the body, the aft belongs to Optimus! And therefore, it's hands off to all femmes except Elita!"

"Will someone just pull the slaggin thing out of my fraggin aft!" Elita roared.

Rapid but unsteady heavy foot falls entered surprising Ironhide and myself. The big mech that arrived didn't hesitate. With one hand on Elita's aft, the other yanked out the piece of metal.

"Oh, thank Primus!" Elita gasped in relief rubbing her aft.

"Elita and Optimus are my best friends, we go way back," Magnus said, handing Ironhide the metal sliver. "We're not squeamish around each other."

"I wasn't being squeamish!" Ironhide snorted.

"Whatever," Magnus continued. "Better Elita?"

"Much, thank you," she replied rubbing her aft obviously not caring if it was dignifying or not and looking like she was actually enjoying it a lit. I shook my head to get rid of such thoughts right away!

"Ouch, I see you've…uh," Magnus said, pointing at her forehead.

"Yes, quite the processor ache," Elita quipped.

"It still amazes me that as brilliant as Hoist and Grapple were in designing this base, one would have thought they'd made the door ways tall enough to accommodate mechs like Optimus, Jetfire and myself."

"Hm, maybe I'll do something about that," Elita smirked and then she frowned. "I do apologize for earlier Magnus. I wasn't myself."

"Nothing major damaged, I'll live," he smiled.

"We've got a problem!" Ratchet growled storming in. "Elita, we're going to need your help!"

"Ratchet, I'm not sure Elita's in any shape to help with anything," I chastised instantly mad at him for the unnecessary suffering my friend had to endure. "As our CMO, did you even _**think**_ before waking her how she was going to react when she couldn't feel the sparkling?"

"Oh slag!" he gasped.

"Yeah, I thought so," I snorted, continually glaring at him.

"We have bigger problems now," Magnus said, not looking pleased.

"It's Optimus," Elita simply said.

"Yes, he's gone missing," Ratchet said. "Seems Jetfire gave him some high grade, not taking into consideration the change in body mass…"

"Or the fact that the body Optimus is occupying is carrying a sparkling!" Elita snapped.

"Bottom line…Optimus is over-energized and using a femme's defense ability to hide his energy signature," Magnus finished. "Bumblebee is in the Command Center are trying to locate him. But it might be faster if you help us to find him via your sparklink, Elita."

"I will, _**after**_ I rip out Jetfire's innards and turn him into a trash compactor!" Elita growled deeply, clenching her powerful fists.

"Good, Prowl and Jazz are waiting in the warp room for you and Ratchet," Magnus said. "Hide and Chromia will go as back up. I'll be in the Command Center."

"What are you smiling at?" Hide whispered to me as we started to move out.

"Elita has been dying to hand Jetfire's aft to him for a long time. For the first time, it looks like she could actually do something about it. I'm not going to miss this!" I smirked and then quickly squinted my optic covers when I looked ahead to my best friend.

_**CLUNK!**_

"**FRAG!**"

* * *

Up next: Elita's POV as she's on a mission to find Optimus and turn Jetfire into a trash compactor.


	9. Chapter 9

Sorry it took so long to update. I had major muse attitude issues that caused a lapse in updating any of my fics. You can thank phoenix13 for badgering me to update Gender Bender. So here you go girl!

So here we are, Elita's left the base with Prowl, Jazz, Ironhide, and Chromia. Jetfire had better watch out!

**Author's notes:** '…' bond talk

* * *

**Elita**

"**OW!OW!OW!OW! Please! Please! Not my wings! Not the wings! Anywhere but my wings! NO! NO! NOT THERE EITHER!**"

I released my grip on his wings and instead, swung my leg. I didn't care that he turned around to protect his crotch plate. I just needed to inflict pain on him. And this time I kicked harder than before and with more confidence as I think I was finally getting the hang of being so much bigger and _**stronger**_. My foot connected with a loud, heavy '_thunk_' against Jetfire's white aft lifting him off the ground.

"**OWW!!!!!! I'm sorry**!" Jetfire yelped, grabbing his aft with both hands. "**How many times do I need to tell you I'm sorry**?"

"**As many times as it takes**!" I snarled, yanking him close by the chest armor.

_**CLANK!**_

"**OW**!" we cried out when our faces bashed together.

Ok, so maybe I don't know my own strength yet. Ow. Frag, how can Optimus have all this power yet his hands be so delicate and gentle when he touches me? Makes me wonder just how much himself he actually holds back when we're interfacing or sparkbonding.

'Holy Primus! I'm starting to think like a mech!' I suddenly thought and shuddered.

"Elita?" Chromia asked quietly, touching my arm.

"I'm fine," I quickly replied, shaking off such thoughts.

"Elita, as much fun as it is watching Jetfire get his aft handed to him, can you please focus on Optimus now?" Prowl pleaded with Jazz quietly giggling behind him. "I don't like the fact that our Prime is alone and defenseless."

"I wouldn't say he was defenseless," Jetfire chimed in, rubbing his nose. "He still packs a punch in that petite sublime body he's occupying and no matter how over energized Optimus gets, he can still handle himself in a fight. I know. I've seen him do it."

I glared at him, balling my hands up.

"It's true," he added, shrugging a shoulder.

I growled, making him take a step back. Thoughts of hurtling him through the air by those wings once again filled my processor. Arg! Why does he have to be so aggravating at times?!

"Can we focus, please?" Prowl sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, doorwings twitching in frustration.

"Yes, let's focus!" Ratchet added as he finally arrived from the base. "I haven't got all day!"

"Oh good, you're here. Can you take a look at my wing?" Jetfire requested, moving his left wing slightly while wincing. "I think she bruised it."

"Suck it up nimrod! I'm here for _**real**_ patients with _**real**_ problems!" the cranky CMO shouted, getting right in Jetfire's face. "Mainly being that my patient is our Prime trapped in a pregnant femme's body that you got over energized who is no doubt driving at dangerous speeds that could be harmful to both her and the sparkling!"

"Hey, it wasn't like I poured the stuff down his…er…her throat. Are we officially calling him a she or is he still a he?"

"Don't start that slag again!" Ironhide snapped.

"Oh right, we can't have the 2IC locking up again," Jetfire snickered, as Jazz smacked Prowl on the back of the head before he locked up.

"**SHUT UP**!" everyone yelled.

"Will you all relax," Jetfire continued. "Optimus will come back. He always does…eventually."

"Jetfire, if we didn't need you right now I'd rip you apart limb from limb starting with your interface rod," I growled. "For your sake, you'd better hope that nothing happens to Optimus or my sparkling!"

"I suggest you take flight, Jetfire," Prowl ordered. "Follow Optimus' last known trajectory as best as you can."

"Copy that, I'm out of here!" he saluted me with a wink.

What a fragger! I'll get him later when he least expects it.

"Elita, if you could reach out to Optimus," Prowl continued. "Perhaps you can bring him back to us."

"Remember, he's going to be upset, probably not in the right frame of mind," Ratchet told me.

"His body's all out of whack, I know. I'm…I was pregnant. I experienced the rapid mood swings."

"Honey, you weren't the only one _**experiencing**_ them," Chormia harrumphed.

I cringed. I truly felt bad for anyone who crossed my path in the last week or so. I was worse on Optimus. Poor Optimus, all he was trying to do was help me. Frag, I felt so guilty now because if I'd just talked to him this morning like he wanted to instead of going off the deep end, none of this would have happened.

"It'll be ok, Elita," Chromia smiled. "Optimus loves you more than anything."

"Just be gentle and understanding," Jazz suggested.

I nodded taking in a deep breath. I knew I would eventually have to confront Optimus and explain myself to him. I was hoping to do it in person, face to face. I wonder…was this his way of dealing with me not telling him I was pregnant? Was he mad at me for not telling him? It would happen on the rare occasion where Optimus was so upset he'd drink. I sincerely hoped that he wasn't too upset with me.

'Optimus,' I called, reaching for him through our bond. He recoiled from me. 'Optimus, I'm sorry…for everything. Please, don't push away from me. I love you.'

I felt the equivalent of a sigh as his presence grew stronger on his end of the sparklink.

'Have I don't something wrong?' he gently asked.

'What? No.'

'I must have done something to make you angry with me.'

'No,' I sighed. 'I'm not angry with you. I promise.'

'Then why didn't you tell me you were pregnant?'

My guilt overwhelmed me. I was expecting him to be upset with me for not telling him I was pregnant. However, I wasn't prepared the intense feeling of how hurt he felt. Primus, I'm such an idiot.

'Elita? Do…do you want the sparkling?'

'Of course I want our sparkling,' I quickly responed. 'I would never disregard something so precious between us.'

'Then why?'

'I was terrified when I discovered I was pregnant. We had never really discussed having sparklings. We're at war. We're both commanders. I…I just _**wasn't**_ ready to suddenly have to deal with the fact that I was pregnant. But I'm truly sorry for how I treated you. I didn't mean to push you away like that. I'm sorry Optimus. I didn't know how to tell you our lives were to be changed forever.'

'My sweet Elita, you never have to be afraid to tell me anything.'

I wept over our bond. He was always so quick to forgive me after a fight. Always. Even when it was my fault we argued. Primus, I love him so much.

'Shh, sweetspark,' he cooed. 'I love you too. We'll get through this like we've always done…together.'

I wept even more.

'Shh…'

'I wanted to tell you about him…but I…I honestly didn't know how to get the words out.'

'It's ok Elita. I know…Him?'

'Your son.'

'I have a son,' he whispered, his love flowing over our sparklink in waves. 'We have a son!'

'Yes,' I laughed, feeling as if a great weight had been lifted off me. 'Please, come to me Optimus. We're all so worried about you. Ratchet's here. He wants to check on the sparkling.'

'Right, I guess drinking high grade wasn't a good idea, was it?'

'No, but it is ok. It doesn't matter anymore. Come to me now. We'll get you back to the base and we'll talk about our son.'

'Just one thing first, sweetspark?'

'Anything Optimus. Just come to me please.'

'Promise you won't get mad at me.'

'What?'

'Just promise you won't get mad at me,' he pleaded.

'Ok, I promise I won't get mad at you,' I told him, wondering what he was talking about. Honestly, I didn't care at the moment. I just wanted him back safe. 'I promise my love. I promise I won't get mad at you.'

I could feel his apprehension over our bond. The only times I ever felt that particular fear from him over our bond was when he did something he knew I wouldn't approve of. And it almost _**always**_ involved some cockamamie idea from Jetfire the moron.

"He's on his way back!" the moron shouted, coming down for a landing. "About three miles South, Southwest."

"Got him, Teletran's tracking him now," Prowl indicated. "He's coming in at about fifty miles an hour."

"Oh um…Elita…don't be mad at him, ok?" Jetfire sheepishly said, taking a few steps away from me.

"Why?" I asked.

"Well, lets say that pink just wasn't his color," Jetfire answered. "And he was so depressed about you getting mad and about the sparkling. I thought the idea might lift his spirits."

I groaned, rolling my optics. That's how it always starts with them! An _**idea**_!

"What'd you do, Jetfire?" I asked.

"Nothing. Optimus did it. I just made the suggestion. But I think you'll like it," he smiled proudly. "In my personal opinion, it makes you look even sexier when you get put back in your own body."

"What'd you _**do**_, Jetfire?" I asked, stalking him.

"I swear! I only had the best intentions!" he yelped, trying to hide behind Prowl and Jazz. "**OW!!!!!!**"

"Just spill it before I surgically alter a vital part of your anatomy!" Ratchet demanded, grabbing Jetfire by one of his wing.

"Ok! Ok! Jeez, all I did was suggest that Optimus take on an alt for more to his liking. Apparently, he secretly dreams of being a sports car in his alt mode."

"Pftt, who doesn't," Prowl commented before walking away from us towards the approaching dust cloud.

"And you guys say he has no sense of humor," Jazz smirked, following his sparkmate.

"Are you ok with this Elita?" Chromia asked me.

"I'm not sure. Guess I'll wait and see."

"It can't be _**that**_ bad," Ironhide suggested. "Optimus has good judgment when picking an alt form."

"Just wait until you see him," Jetfire beamed. "The new color even makes your budding knick-knacks more..."

_**WHAM!**_

I smiled down upon an unconscious Jetfire, drooling in the dirt while massaging my knuckles.

"Knick-knacks?" Chromia questioned.

"Ask Ironhide if you really want to know," I replied and marched past her, feeling rather good for the first time this day.

* * *

Up next: Will Elita be accepting of her true body's new look?


	10. Chapter 10

I know it's been a long time since I've updated this fic. But this is just one of my side fics that I enjoy writing. Also, real life sucked there for a few months. Most of you know why. Alas, my muse has been inspired to write more again and thus we have an update! I do hope you enjoy it.

* * *

**Prowl**

"Do I…?"

"No, Prowler, ya don't want to know what knick knacks are but I'm sure ya'll figured it out on your own. Just don't blow a logic circuit when ya do."

"Ratchet…?" I asked as the CMO knelt beside the prone, unconscious Air Commander's form.

"He'll live, no permanent damage done to the moron."

"Ironhide, take Jetfire back to base," I ordered. "Throw him in the brig. I'll figure out what to do with him later."

"Yes, Sir."

"Brig…that's kind of harsh isn't it?" Jazz asked as Optimus' dust cloud was getting closer and closer to where I could see his alt form now.

"Perhaps, but with him out of the way for a little while perhaps my processor ache will lessen."

I felt the tension rise during the next few moments as Optimus was nearly upon us. He definitely altered Elita's form. I had no problem with it as we often change our outward appearance to fit in better. Regardless, I did have a job of protecting my Prime…even from his femme.

Jazz suddenly whistled, "Nice alt form! I'm tempted to pick it for myself!"

"Jazz, focus please. It's bad enough Elita could just go off at any astrosecond," I chided noticing that Elita looked less than thrilled at Optimus'…or more accurately her new alt mode.

"Just what the slag is this?" Elita demanded as Optimus came to a stop and transformed.

Two quick long strides and she was already within striking distance.

"Relax Elita. Every one's on edge as it is," Jazz calmly said, moving to cut her off.

"Frag off!" she snarled, knocking Jazz aside…literally.

Elita in Optimus' body was truly out of control. It was obvious that she had no idea how to gage her strength as Jazz went flying a good twenty feet before crashing to the ground. I reacted instinctively at first to protect my bondmate and my Prime by rushing at Elita. In one swift agile move, I grabbed her hand and used her momentum to twist her arm, forcing her to her knees.

"**ENOUGH! You are the femme Commander!**" I growled, giving an extra twist on her arm making her wince and letting her know I was in controllable. "**Start acting like it!**"

Elita blinked her optics a few times obviously stunned I had the capability to take down a mech like Prime. In fact even Ratchet, Optimus and Chromia looked surprised.

"An' ya guys thought I fell in love wit' 'im for his good looks an' fabulous doorwings," Jazz snickered, dusting himself off.

"You ok?" I asked, sparring a quick glance at my bonded.

"I'm fine, babe."

"Ratchet, quickly check Optimus," I ordered, returning a fixed, determined gaze upon Elita. "The sooner we head back to bad the better. I don't like my Prime being so exposed and vulnerable."

"Yes, Sir."

"I'm going to let you up now, Elita. Be warned, I will do everything in my power to protect my Prime…and my bonded. Can I count on you to take control of your senses?"

Elita nodded all her fury from early gone. Hopefully for good this time. I've always known Elita to be level headed. Only every now and then as she ever lost control. And never this bad.

Trusting the femme commander to have composed herself, I release my grip and allowed her to get up. Then I turned to get an assessment from Ratchet as my Prime was my main concern.

"Looks like he purged his tanks recently, most of the high grade was expelled," Ratchet said without me prompting him. "The sparkling in unharmed. I recommend berth rest for the next twenty-four hours at least…both of them."

"I agree. Do I need to assign separate quarters or can I trust you both to behave as mature mechanisms are wont to do?"

"I have no desire for further confrontations," Optimus sighed heavily, sounding thoroughly exhausted. In fact, Ratchet was having to support him.

And for the first time Elita looked concerned.

"I'm sorry, Optimus," she spoke softly and I knew then they were going to be ok as she moved to her mate's side.

"They're ready to receive us back at the base," Jazz told.

"May I inquire as to why you felt the need to change _**my**_ alt form?" Elita asked gently.

"I was upset, I felt so out of control. I still feel so out of control. And…"

Optimus paused, looking unsure up at his mate.

"And what, Optimus?" she insisted.

"While pink is most alluring when I'm looking at you through my own optics, it is not the most palatable of colors when I'm forced to wear it," he smiled, making her laugh softly at him.

Finally, things were looking better. Now to just get them back in their own bodies.

"Ya gotta admit though, red doesn't make your alt form more sexy. I'm seriously thinkin' of changing' ma colors right now for my Prowler!"

"Jazz!"


	11. Chapter 11

Sorry. I know its been forever since this fic has been update. Blame RL and my muse! :) Hope you enjoy it. Thank you.

* * *

**Ratchet**

"Are you ok?"

I half turned my head when I heard Prowl talking softly to Jazz. My priority was to tend to Optimus now that we back at the base. However, my Prime would have to wait as I my services were obviously needed to tend to an obviously injured mech who was being stubborn enough to try and hide his pain.

"Just lay there, I'll be right back," I ordered Optimus. "I mean…move and I weld your hot red aft to the berth."

Jazz cursed, grimacing, clutching his chest. Then his knees suddenly buckled as he lost consciousness. Luckily Prowl had a good reflexes and grabbed hold of his bondmate keeping Jazz from falling to the floor.

"Ratchet!" Prowl called as I was already rushing towards them.

"On the berth, now!" I ordered, pointing at the nearest medical berth Prowl was standing by. I started my medical scans immediately, not waiting for the berth scanner to begin. Almost instant an alert went off. "Why are special ops mechs such a pain in my aft!"

"Ratchet…"

"Either shut up or leave so I can do my job," I growled, inserting a cable into the port in Jazz's neck and quickly injected the nanites along with a powerful sedative that would keep a mech with Jazz's special talents out. I watched their progress on the berth's medical monitor.

"He's bleeding internally?" Prowl asked, his normally stoic face full of concern.

"A ruptured energon line. Probably when Optimus errr, I mean Elita's forearm smashed into his chest or the impact with the ground when he landed. Regardless, the nanites will mend line and clean up the mess just fine without me having to open him up. The good news is his sternum was only deeply bruised. If he'd been cracked the damaged could have been far worse."

Prowl nodded, his doorwings twitched slightly in distress.

"He'll be on medical leave for a week. He'll be sore for most of that time so no transforming, no spark merging either. I'm going to keep him in the medical bay for a twenty-four hour observation period to be safe."

"I understand. Thank you, Ratchet," Prowl replied, his calm expression returning. "Will you contact me when Jazz is awake?"

"Of course. I'll have all medical reports done by then as well."

"Excellent."

With that I left Jazz not caring if Prowl lingered a little longer or not. Optimus' scan was complete so I quickly looked for any anomalies as I made my way back to him…or her. Frag this situation is giving me a processor ach.

"Don't make that face," I growled at Optimus. "I don't care that you're in a femme's body I still recognize that face. You're not Primus, Optimus. You can't protect everyone."

"But I can control my own..."

"Will you stop it!" I shouted. "Primus almighty, how many dents in your head does it take?"

"My apologies."

I groaned, covering my optics.

"Optimus you are my Prime but you are also my friend," I said in earnest. "I will not hesitate to smack some sense into you even if you're in a femmes body!"

"Very well, you win, Ratchet," he smiled.

"Of course, I always win. Now, to ease your conscience, Jazz will be fine. You, in your current condition, are doing well as is the sparkling. Your systems are a little stressed out from your high grade binge, joyriding escapade but no harm has been done. Now, since you and Elita are on medical leave, I suggest you take this time to teach Elita how to control her strength while she's occupying your body before she does anymore damage. I'll stop by later to make sure you're both still alive."

"That's _comforting_," Optimus snorted.

"Just get going, youngling," I chuckled.

After Optimus left, I checked on Jazz and saw the nanites were nearly finished with their work and his self repair systems were dealing with the bruising now.

"Sir. Ironhide sent a message to remind you about Jetfire," First Aid said as I was entering my office.

"Right," I mused and then smirked. "Get my newest apprentice."

"You are just too cruel at times, Sir," First Aid chuckled.

"It's the least that fragging Jetfire deserves. Maybe next time he'll actually use his processor and think about what he's doing to Optimus."

"You honestly believe that will work?"

"No. But at least I get some satisfaction in the fact that I get to watch the mech squirm while my apprentice learns about wings. The tech manuals can only teach a bot so much. _**Hands**_ on experience is the best method after all."

* * *

Up next Optimus and Elita have a chat.


End file.
